"Up Under" Each Other? Why Your Friends Come Last Now That You're Married

After the joy and fascination with getting married, the blissful honeymoon, and taking photos,there is a curveball that is thrown at newlywed couples that few "words of wisdom" at the wedding reception address. I'm talking about the first few weeks and months of marriage, and the adjustment stage.

"Wow! We're married, can you believe it?!" begins to turn into "wow. we're married. How on earth are we going to do this?" This new unique challenge isn't just about moving in together and figuring out where we will fit all of our clothes now, or who will clean the toilets. After the bliss of the honeymoon subsided for us, we found that the idea of "cleaving" to one another can be a very different and uncomfortable situation for two very different people, with two different ways of doing things, from two different walks of life. The joy of having a companion to wake up to everyday can quickly begin to feel isolating, and even at times annoying, as you get to know one another and learn to work through conflict.

I learned something last Friday about cleaving, being patient with one another, self-sacrifice, and taking care to focus on each other during this initial phase of marriage. I began to miss the social activities and friends I used to enjoy, and spent much of the day praying and asking God if I should go out to a church function, or go home and spend another night with my husband chatting and sitting around at home. After having had a stressful week learning to resolve conflict with my new husband, and realizing the personal changes I needed to make, the voices in my head began to wage war. "I need to love myself. If I dont get some alone time, and do my own thing sometimes I'll become a doormat. He should understand that I don't always want to sit in the house."

First, I tried to convince my Husband to go with me to the function. I picked up from his response and in my spirit that he really wanted time to relax at home after a long week of work, and getting adjusted to his new surroundings and routine. I thought, I could go and do my own thing, and it might make him miss me a little, plus I'd get to spend time with my "friends". Still, I prayed and God told me, be still, and defer to your husband. I decided to wait to make a decision until I arrived home.

When I got home, and realized from my husbands demeanor that it wasn't likely to happen, I began to get a bit sad that I couldn't just go freely and do what it was that I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. He wouldn't have been mad had I insisted, but I could tell in my spirit that he desired my company...alone. Once again, the Lord spoke to my spirit and assured me to be still, and defer and submit to my husbands desires.

Suddenly, we began talking about his day, and he opened up more than usual. He was more interested than normal in learning about my day. We enjoyed a lovely dinner, and laughed and joked all night. This continued long into a weekend filled with laughter, communication, emotional and physical intimacy, and rejuvenation. The bond that we've built over one weekend has taken us to a deeper level of oneness and intimacy that would transcend into our future together.

As newlyweds, or even seasoned married couples, it's not unusual to miss your old life, being around friends and family as much, or even feel a nagging sense of nostalgia for the "freedom" you used to enjoy as a single person. However, the Lord showed me this weekend that those thoughts can often be a trick of the enemy, and the importance of this special time in marriage to cleave to my spouse, build a foundation in Him, and get to know one another.

It may take months or even a year or two before God leads you to branch out apart from one other to attend to family needs or career goals. For now, the time of learning, growing together, and bonding requires a special amount of care, time, and self-sacrifice. The payoff is that in years to come as life tries to pull you apart or in different directions, you'll be a three stranded cord that will not break!




(verb) cleave - come or be in close contact with; stick or hold together and resist separation

Gen 24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Ecc. 4:12 And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Deut. 24:5 If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.