First off, let me say that I am in no way an expert on the topic of making my man feel like a winner with me, but that is exactly why I'm writing this post. Truthfully, I've managed to perfect not making him feel like a winner more often than not. The reasons abound, but instead of going there, let me just own up to being a spoiled brat at times and living with fairy-tale expectations of what marriage should be.
My husband enjoys blowing off steam by playing his latest NBA 2K video game, and he has won championships, endorsements, 9 out of 10 times is elected the Most Valuable Player- MVP- of the game, and is well on his way to being a Hall-of-Famer. Not to mention his unrivaled custom NBA2K shoe collection. Me on the other hand, I can barely sit through one quarter before I'm twiddling my thumbs, stressing about all the work I have to do tomorrow, and often itching to get his attention away from the game. It's not that he plays too much - he is very responsible and attentive to life and me. But as of this morning, something CLICKED as to why he doesn't feel like a winner with me and want to "play" and engage in affection and romance with me more often.
So here's the epiphany- I heard something incredibly insightful today while listening to Shaunti Feldhahn as a guest on Family Life Today's morning radio broadcast. Some of you may know her as the author of best-selling books For Women Only, and For Men Only, which give insights from her surveys with hundreds of men and women about how they think and what they need. Here is a paraphrase of what she said:
Deep down most men have a primary need to feel that they are adequate. He wants to know that he can win at any task, and feel confident that he is a winner. If he constantly feels like a loser at home, where his wife's opinion matter most, it is crushing for a man. This is why you'll see men withdraw or shut down, or even give up, when the wife does a lot of complaining or seems unhappy most of the time. He doesn't feel like he can live up to her expectations. He needs to feel like a winner!
That is powerful! Truth is, women aren't the only one's who deal with insecurity. Men too feel a need deep down to be validated, but in a different way. Women want to be reassured of a man's love for her, and that he'd choose her all over again. Men on the other hand, want to feel respected (admired, honored, validated) in their role as a man and husband- a protector, provider, a leader.
Most husbands, I think, are quite excellent at romance. Much more than we give them credit for. For goodness sake, they managed to get the girl to marry them! I'd like to add that my husband is particularly thoughtful, creative, attentive, and romantic. The point here is that the higher my expectations, the less grateful I am, the more I complain about the way things or are or what I'm not getting, the less he feels like he can win at "playing the game" with me. When someone feels like they just can't win, or that the bad attitude for not taking the trash out when "we want them to!", has completely overshadowed all the effort he has been making to be a winner, they just don't want to play!
The lesson here ladies is for us to start/keep showing him more appreciation for all the shots he makes, all the rebounds when we mess up and he catches the ball, all the sprinting back and forth down the court of our emotions- his faithfulness to the team, willingness to talk and listen, his insights, and even (especially!) when he messes up and owns it. Let's be the cheerleaders! Let's not break down our most valuable players, but rather build them up, inspire them with our good, peaceful, content attitudes, and cheer! cheer! cheer! for the wonderful man that God gave us. Give him a "trophy for all his hard work" with a little surprise gift he likes. Heck, praise the simple fact that he stays by your side throughout all the crazy stuff you've done or your hormone roller coasters every month! The least we can do, is show him some respect when he's sharing his feelings or bringing up something he doesn't like.
So maybe we overlook when he's not being the most most "lovey-dovey" guy you fell for... But what if he isn't being a team player, or fighting fair? in cases of abuse or infidelity, it's always wise to stay safe, and seek wise Godly counsel. But for other offenses, it can be more effective to maintain a Christ-like spirit of gentleness and peace and quiet, than to shut-off, retaliate, murmur and complain, or withhold the goodies. Getting nasty in the game will get you ejected, so don't even go there, girlfriend! Find small things to admire, bit your tongue, and show some respect. That is, if you want your man to feel like an important part of your team and be excited to get up off the bench. Taking the turn-the-other-cheek approach to flagrant fouls on your man's part can sometimes be the buzzer that will wake him up to how hurt you are.
Our men just want to win! They want to make us happy. So, let him know everyday that he is still your #1 "starter" and the most valuable player on your team.
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